Estate administration difficulties are a frequent source of letters to advice columnists. Recently, the "Dear Prudence" advice column in Slate included a letter about a mom deciding to leave her house to one of her children. "Prudie" let her know that there was nothing wrong with this decision. Read the column here .

Nothing about this advice is incorrect: the mom absolutely has the right to leave the house to the daughter who gave up her dreams to take care of her, and the daughter absolutely has the right to accept the house despite her sister’s potential objections. We’ve written before about unequal distributions, and how in some cases they can be the more loving decision than an equal division of assets.

That being said, this situation is a prime example of the complex emotions that are embodied in family inheritances. It is extremely rare that everyone in a family is on board with the division of assets; and money can cause otherwise friendly family members to turn on each other, especially while they are grieving the loss of a loved one.

So, how can this sort of conflict be avoided?

Be Proactive

The best defense is a good offense, and a validly executed estate plan is the best way to ensure that your wishes are carried out. In the above example, the mom has “changed her will” to reflect that the daughter who lives with her should get the house. Without this important legal step, her wishes might not be enforceable and the disgruntled sister might prevail in contesting the estate. Don’t wait for your family to “work things out” among themselves if you have anything of great value – emotional or monetary.

It is also a good idea to name a professional fiduciary to administer your estate after you’re gone. Not only does a professional have the knowledge and experience to handle the process properly, but it will drastically reduce the chance that one kid feels like another kid has taken advantage.

Be Clear

A primary cause of difficult probates is when the instructions are contradictory. If the mom in the above example signs a beneficiary deed to all three kids, but her Will instructs that the house go to only one of them, which instruction should prevail? It might seem obvious to the letter writer that the most recent directive should be followed, but the law in Colorado could actually honor the beneficiary deed above the Will.

Whatever you decide, it’s vitally important that your instructions are clear and consistent. We’ve written before about how Estate Planning is more than just a Will, so make sure your beneficiary designations, operating agreements, deeds, titles, and notes all correspond to your Will or Trust documents.

Be Open

Honest communication is always the best way to prepare your family for what is to come. Make sure everyone involved knows ahead of time what you have decided and why. For some families, sharing the plan over Thanksgiving dinner or providing a copy of the estate plan is appropriate. For others, a statement like, “Your sister’s share will reflect the many gifts we’ve given you over the years,” might be enough to alert your beneficiaries that they shouldn’t expect equal shares.

Sometimes direct communication is impossible. We have clients who disinherit one or more of their children, or who create a trust to avoid conflict with a particularly greedy or irresponsible family member. In that instance, a Statement of Intent to be read with the Will or Trust may be the best way to share your values and explain the situation. If the distribution is not exactly what your kids expect, at least they are aware that you deliberately, and thoughtfully, designed it that way.

what next?

1. Give us a call at 720-821-7604 to schedule a "Discovery Session" at which we can determine whether our firm would be a good fit for your needs. Or fill out our contact form to have us call you.
2. Visit our estate planning page to learn more about how proactively thinking through your estate plan can protect you and your family, minimize hassle, lower the chance of family discord, and minimize or eliminate taxes.
3. Learn more by reading our blog or watching our videos .